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Drowning.

This is the post excerpt.

” You don’t need water to feel like you’re drowning, do you?”

One day it hit me… not in small waves as I expected, instead it was like an ocean, roaring at the edges as it dragged me under. I felt breathless, helpless and hopeless, the more I fought the harder it became to breath.

The only choice you ask?

Stop fighting. Let it consume you. Let it take away everything you once had, stop fighting.

That to me is what depression feels like. In this moment, all I can see is water above me… and with each stroke I am being pulled further and further to the bottom.

Life has thrown me wave after wave… and until now I kept swimming.

Until that day when everything changed… when you took your last breath, when I forgot how to swim…

Drowning. Breathless. Broken.

Seven months later and I have only realised now that you weren’t the only one that took her last breath that day.

~MM

post

Struggling.

“Never underestimate the pain of a person because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are better at hiding it then others.”

As time ticks on, I am pulled further and further away from the memories I once shared with you.

With each second, minute, hour even month I begin to realise I’m never going to see you again. No more memories will be created, no more to be shared. To me this is heartbreaking and I struggle, I struggle to deal with those dark thoughts, I struggle to continue living each moment, I struggle to create memories without you… today, more than ever, I am struggling.

As I lay here now staring at the clock I think of you and how you struggled. Day after day I watched you get weaker and weaker. To see the one person I love more than anything struggle, is nothing I would wish on anyone.

I would describe struggling as the constant inability to continue with every day activity, something I’m sure everyone has experienced at some point in their lives.

So when does it get to that point of no return? When do you go from struggling to breaking point?

~ When all of a sudden you can no longer stand the weight of the earth. When you have no choice but to give in, to give up, to let go, to die.

Thats what happened to you. In that last two weeks, you went from struggling, to all of a sudden dying – with no warning. I looked into your eyes, demanding for you to continue struggling. Selfish I know, but I didn’t want you to go… because I too was struggling, and without you I would reach breaking point.

So here I stand today,
Me, no longer struggling… because the day you died… the day you stopped struggling, I reached breaking point.

~MM