Letting People In.

These walls I’ve built surround such a broken body,

One that has taken hit after hit,

While trying to survive,

Don’t you get it?

I had no choice but to lock you out,

I had no choice but to keep me safe.

This body of mine has become a temple,

One scared of human contact,

A temple built so tightly that nobody could crawl inside,

I guess I always was a bit of a loner,

Or perhaps I’ve been hurt too many times to count.

I think I created such a place a long time ago,

And it takes a lot,

Trust me it takes years before you see the slightest crack,

Before I can give something up,

Before one of these walls slips and I can learn to let you in.

This body,

So fragile,

So broken,

Allowed such a kind soul in,

One who I could trust,

Do you know how good it felt to finally have that?

To not be alone and to let a wall down,

To trust someone whole heartedly.

I let her in,

I let a part of me crumble,

Thinking she’d hold me up,

When all she did was break me down.

She came in,

(I let her in),

And she destroyed me,

In the blink of an eye my temple was destroyed,

And my body along with it.

I guess that’s what you get for letting someone in,

Even the ones you trust can ruin you,

I guess next time I’ll be more careful,

I guess next time I’ll build my own God damn temple and not let anyone in ever again.

(Do you even know what you’ve done?)

~MM

Forgotten Memories.

“I’m so cold”,

Words I remember so clearly in those last few moments,

Death moving closer,

Ready to consume that beautiful mind of yours.

 

Nurses rushing in to warm you,

As if it would help,

I guess it’s all they could do at that point,

Covering you with a thick blue blanket,

Something so simple made you feel so content,

Smiling as soon as it hit,

Slowly drifting back to sleep.

 

That damn blue blanket,

I had forgotten you know,

I had forgotten how it kept you warm,

How it made you feel so safe,

Safety none of us could provide.

 

I hate myself for that,

For forgetting.

 

It felt all too real yesterday,

I spent the day with nana,

She was in hospital and it pains me that nobody else came,

It was just me,

Alone again,

Just as it was before.

 

Nana,

You were so cold and how were the nurses to know.

 

“I’m so cold” you shuddered,

As the nurse brought something to warm you up,

Something to keep you safe,

That damn blue blanket,

The exact same one,

The one welcoming death only a year before.

 

As soon as the blanket wrapped around your body it hit me,

Suppressed memories came to life,

Images of you all wrapped up came flooding back,

It was so painful to watch,

I couldn’t bare the pain again so I ran,

I ran and I ran until I couldn’t feel anything anymore.

 

And now,

Now you ask,

I hate myself even more,

Yet this time it’s different,

This time,

I hate myself for remembering.

 

~MM

A Fleeting Moment.

I fell asleep today,

But only for a moment,

As brief as a moment can be,

I guess.

Drifting off I felt your presence so clearly. As if it was you, in my mind it wasn’t a dream, it felt like reality. The most pure thing I had felt in months, something inside me sparked, and for a moment I felt it, I felt something other than nothing. I have been getting used to this feeling of being numb for so long that it shocked me to feel something else, something so real.

Seconds filled with happiness, quickly whisked away with sadness. The moment so real, screaming out for it to stay, but just as light does, it faded away. Left again with an empty chair inside an empty room filled with so much darkness. Looking at a chair that you once lay on, and imagining your hand that once held mine. You would smile and ask if I was okay, ask if I wanted something, and I would return the favour. That’s what I loved about you, you cared so much, and as did I.

Your presence, sitting there, was enough to calm the oceans within me, settling the storm that wanted to break me apart inside. So, for a moment, that’s how I felt, I felt calm and content and almost happy reaching for your hand. Only to find my imagination had run wild, and as I reached for you, my hand hit the table. My hand began to ache as I realised it wasn’t real, as I snapped out of it, as I snapped back into reality, a place I had been trying to avoid.

 

And,

Now,

The storm has risen,

More forceful than before,

Reckoning my mind,

Destroying my body,

Without your presence to calm it,

To prevent it,

To stop it,

Or even to hold me while I go through it.

 

But,

For a moment,

As brief as a moment can be I guess,

I felt something,

And my god,

Something felt like everything.

~MM

Tides. 

When the tides fall,

And the ocean cries,

Nothing but screams remain,

Crying your name,

Mum,

That’s all I here, 

Carried with the wind,

Almost demanding you to come home.
When the tides fall,

The skies become darker,

As the moon shines more bright than ever,

No more light in the darkest of days,

All that remains is this,

This empty feeling of an unknown ocean,

Still yelling your name,

Mum,

That’s what they say,

Screaming for you to come home.
And,

When the tides fall,

The waves crash,

The sky fades,

And your mind,

Your mind darkens,

Places you’ve never been before,

Have you? 

The ocean demanding you to come back.
So…

When the tides fall,

When the oceans rush in,

When the world seems low,

There is nothing but a voice,

Mum,

That’s what they used to say,

And now,

Now all I here is my name. 

Over and over,

They yell and they call and they cry for me,

Tides crashing,

As they demand for me to give in and give up,

Demanding for me to come home. 

~MM

One Year Today. 

A ghost of a person,

What have I become,

Trying to figure the world out,

Feeling nothing but absent, 

In a world so physically present.
Have you ever felt time stop?

An impossible thought,

Mindlessly believing in the impossible,

That time could stop,

That time should stop,

In the absence of someone,

A ghost of a person is all I’ve become.
Wake up,

Crawling your way through the days,

Through the birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day,

All new occasions without her present, 

This idea of absence is all too much,

Absent for all the events,

It’s been a year today,

That’s 365 days,

365 days of being absent, 

Of being a ghost of a person.
To feel nothing yet everything all at once,

Numbness consuming the person you once were,

Seeking my mothers warmth in strangers, 

Attempting to become what I can only describe as present,

In this body,

This ghost of a body. 
You were present, 

For everything, 

You were always there, 

And now,

365 days later,

Nothing but absence. 
And,

The strangest part you ask? 
Being absent. 

No, not her. 

Me.

I was absent the entire time.

(And perhaps I still am).
Nothing but a ghost of a person. 

~MM

Fall. 

Walking tightropes,

Scarce threads,

Holding me close, 

To be bound by such ties, 

Breathing deeper,

Scared I might fall.
Thunder storms,

Crackling louder as they come, 

What a sight,

A mind yelling at you to move,

But a body,

A body demanding you to fall. 
So you hide,

Just as you usually do,

Underground,

As deep as this world will go,

It moves and you follow,

That’s it,

A follower,

And when they fall,

You fall too. 
With no protection,

No rope left,

All strings frayed,

No longer hidden, 

Don’t you get it?
You fell along time ago. 

(So what’s the point in fighting).
~MM