When the meds don’t work anymore.

I am on anti-depressants. Not for their intended purpose, but for another reason.

However, today I finally realized I need the anti-depressants for their intended purpose. I need them in order to survive another month, another week, even another day. Carrying this sadness around on my back has come to a point of exhaustion. I can no longer walk, I feel as though I am crawling, using every fibre of my being to get around.

For the last few months, I have used everything inside of me to get passed even the shittiest of days. I have told myself over and over that today is going to be a good day. Begging with my own self to hang on, to hold on, reassuring myself that it will be okay.

I have tried everything to try and fix this constant ache inside of me, this constant unhappiness, yet nothing has ever worked, I still feel as though the world is crashing down on me, every single night.

So today, I stand in front of you begging for medication. Begging for the doctors to increase my dose. Begging for them to help me, I have realized today that I can no longer save myself. The only option left is medication. In fact it is now my only option. My last option, so I pray that the meds will work, that they will all of a sudden make my days feel that little bit lighter.

And if the meds ever get to a point where they don’t work,

I guess we will deal with that.

But for now I will hold onto this last hope,

Because without it I fear the worst.

At the end of the day as humans, medications have the ability to save us,

They have the ability to prolong life,

To decrease suffering,

They allow us to truly live, even with the most debilitating illnesses,

But all meds have their limits,

At some point the switch flips,

And we all know what happens when the meds don’t work anymore.

~MM

Loneliness.

Do you know what it feels like to be surrounded by people, yet still feel alone?

I constantly experience an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, consuming me, telling me I have nobody.

I find myself constantly craving that warmth only another person could provide.

The funny thing is, I hate being alone. Alone with my own thoughts takes me to dark place. So I began surrounding myself with as many people as I could, and attended party after party in an attempt to fill this void.

But once again, nothing worked.

Nothing ever works.

Continuing to feel alone, day after day.

What a sad reality, never knowing if this feeling will pass. A feeling I would never wish on anyone, almost like emptiness, as if there is always something missing and only a certain person could fill the void.

I have started getting more and more used to this feeling, at first struggling, almost battling with it, now it’s a part of me, and I can’t leave home without it.

The antidote?

Who knows.

I’m guessing there’s a heck of a lot of people out there who feel lonely.

So, my questions to you ~

How long does this last?

Is it temporary or permanent?

Do you ever get used to it?

And….

When does it get to the point where you stop, where you give in, where you’ve had enough, where you finally accept the fact that loneliness is now your new best friend?

~MM

3am. 

Up all night,

Restless, 

My veins pulsating, 

Mind racing,

Body Shaking,

“Do it” – they whisper, 

“I don’t want to” – I yell back, 

My voice shaking, 

Lying doesn’t suit me, 

Time seems to stop, 

Is it really this easy?

Will they still think of me? 

So many questions, 

All left unanswered, 

I pull back, 

Hesitant, 

Even my minds playing tricks on me, 

Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, 

Eyes tired,

Hair messy, 

My face – almost transparent, 

Sickness doesn’t suit me, 

Tears begin streaming down my face, 

Thinking of my sister, 

The only one worth fighting for, 

Stop,

This isn’t you, 

This isn’t you! 

Finally reality hits, 

It all becomes clear, 

I have to stay, 

Closing the pill container, 

I drift back to sleep, 

Promising myself I would never come that close again.

~MM

Dreams.

Have you ever had a dream so vivid, you had to take a minute and second-guess the difference between reality and fantasy?

I’m talking about those dreams that feel so spine-tingling real; you need to catch yourself before you start to believe it.

I find myself having more and more of these dreams, where the lines between what’s real and what isn’t begin to fade more and more. The deeper I dive, the more alive I begin to feel and the happier I become. Almost as if a dream is a way of escaping reality, an ‘out’ you could say, something to make life that little bit more bearable.

The other day, I dreamt of my Mum in the most vivid way. I felt the emotions right down to my bones. Shivering as her hand touched mine, I could feel myself go numb at the thought of her being by my side again.Her smile was contagious, and I found myself grinning beyond belief, only this time it wasn’t fake. Happiness seemed to grow within me and a light I hadn’t seen for a long time started to reignite.

“Alive” – the only way I could describe such a feeling.

Not once did I second guess if it was real or not, every aching part of me felt as though I was home, as if I had lived there my whole life. Reality struck not long after. I could feel my rib cage rise and fall, as my breaths got shallower, my body aching at the thought of waking up.

All of a sudden I was back and with it came this darkness I thought I had left behind. With it came every emotion and more. Tears streaming down my face, I couldn’t begin to describe how heavy I felt in that moment.

All I wanted was to drift back to sleep, to go back into a world where she was still there. Lying in my bed, aching, sobbing, drowning, the light slowly burning away as darkness filled my thoughts.

This is reality, I could tell, because dreams fill me with the brightest of lights, snatched away by realities darkness.

“Take me back,” I screamed.

Silence.

What did I expect?

After all, it was just a dream.

~MM

Unstable – losing all I had left.

I used to feel so secure in my own skin, in my own home, with my own family. Now all I feel is this raging instability, this insecurity trying to consume me. I feel as though at any moment, my entire life could fall from beneath me.

In fact, I think it just did.

Everything is different now that you’re gone, and everyone is trying their dammed hardest, but sometimes even our best just isn’t good enough.

Do you know what it feels like to no longer feel secure? Or safe? Or protected.

I haven’t felt that sense of security in months, in all honesty, I don’t know if I ever felt it.

Dad left home when we were only kids, leaving my Mum to fight her own battle with cancer while dealing with my older sister (whom has severe learning problems) and myself, just some useless 11-year-old girl.

Gone, without a trace, with no explanation, he just up and left, as if we meant nothing to him.

From that day onwards I began being scared of the dark, I started noticing things I had never seen before, I started creating these monsters in my mind. Everyone leaves I thought, don’t get too close because chances are, they wont stay too long.

Then there was Mum, who made my mind grow, who tried to support me and protect me as much as a dying woman could. She tried her best, and that meant the world to me, even if I still felt ripped at the seams.

I started believing people could stay, my trust started to blossom, everything started making sense. Not everyone leaves I thought. Some of us, the lucky ones, get someone in their life who is willing to stay, willing to fight for you, willing to provide you with a sense of security, you never even thought could exist. That person to me was my Mum; I don’t know how she did it. But with time, we both grew together, we both felt safe knowing we had each other, we both finally felt secure.

And then she left,

Taking my security, my sense of belonging, my stability with her,

She left almost like he did,

So rapidly and with no warning,

Once again removing the floor from underneath me,

Falling, deeper and deeper,

Making me feel more insecure and unsafe than before,

Flashbacks of the 11-year-old me ran through my mind,

Only this time I didn’t have a back up,

Both parents now gone,

The only difference,

He had a choice,

(You were never that lucky.)

~MM

10 seconds.

This may sound mundane, trust me, I know it is. It was late at night, flicking through channel after channel, finally something decent appeared. A new show, mindless, just what I needed. Yet as the story continued I found myself more and more drawn in. The theme, strange, the characters, interesting… and yet I took away something special, a new way to cope.

 

10 seconds.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 (and repeat).

That’s all it takes.

 

Whatever you are going through right now, regardless of how big or small it may be, just take it 10 seconds at a time. You can get through this. 10 seconds, that’s all it takes. Count to 10, breathe, and repeat. You just need to get through the next 10 seconds, then another 10 seconds, and another. If you can get through one lot of 10 seconds, you can sure as hell get through another.

 

What a beautiful way to look at life, just 10 seconds at a time.

 

Today, I found myself counting to 10 more times than I can remember. Sometimes life gets too much and we need a little reminder that it will be okay. As human beings we take on a lot, more than we can handle, how we’re expected to deal with this is beyond me.

 

Since my Mother’s death, in all honesty I have tried every method to cope. Yet at the end of the day, nothing ever worked… until now. Today when I got upset thinking about Mum, I paused and said to myself “10 seconds”. Sitting there, I slowly counted to 10, then again and again. It was in that moment I realised I could do this, I could get through this. I just survived 10 seconds without pain, I can do it again and again, until eventually I don’t have to. Until eventually I get to that point where I can deal with life, weeks, even months at a time. But for now, 10 seconds feels like a success.

 

Everyone out there is struggling, exams are stressful, society is stressful, and life in general is stressful. Whatever you have to deal with just take it 10 seconds at a time, trust me.

 

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10”

Breath.

Begin Again.

10 seconds.

It’s as easy as that.

~MM

Different.

Different,

So different,

Dyed hair,

Tattooed body,

New piercings,

Broken,

Who is she?

They all want to know,

So different,

She’s changed,

No longer the girl they once knew,

Coping perhaps,

An outlet, maybe,

Nobody can keep up,

Friend’s leave,

Families being destroyed,

Carefree or careless,

When will she explode?

Ticking away,

Watch this space,

At any point,

She may break,

So broken,

So different,

Self-destructive,

Falling further and further,

No one left to catch her,

They all agree,

Different doesn’t suit her.

~MM