It all started with what I could only describe as sadness.
I had experienced sadness before in my life, as we all have. I was sad when I got a bad grade, I was sad when someone said something mean to me, I was incredibly sad when one of my pets passed away.
Yet, this sadness felt different, it felt almost deeper and much more constant. I went from being sad some days, to feeling sad almost every day, and now not a second goes by where I don’t feel sad.
I believe there is a big difference between sadness and depression; I never used to think this. I always thought those that were depressed were just sad; I always second-guessed the whole nature of depression, until now. I finally get it, sadness is temporary, it goes away, depression on the other hand, its permanent, it never really leaves you.
Instead it makes you feel constantly down, constantly interfering with every day life. Depression makes you second guess your existence, is life really worth it after all?
I thought my sadness would pass, just like it always did.
It has been 9 months now, 9 months of constant sadness. To me that is no longer sadness, that is depression, where your mind dives into the deepest most scariest places you didn’t even know existed, till now.
I have come close, many times now, to ending it, to giving in as I struggle to find the purpose in life. I live from one day to the next, that’s about all my body can handle at the moment.
Last night was one of the worst for me, last night I did something I have never done before, I wrote a goodbye note. I cannot bring myself to read it. All I remember is not feeling myself, feeling this overwhelming darkness inside as sadness pulsated in my veins, as my body writhed in pain.
What is the point?
(A question those with depression may be all too familiar with).
For now, I cannot answer that question, as I struggle to come up with answers myself.
All I know is that it’s worth holding on right now, even if it feels as though the whole world is against you; as if you have nobody, just hold on. If I can do it, so can you. Grab onto those last few fibres keeping you here, learn how to survive, and one day I hope all of us can turn that surviving into thriving. I hope all of us can turn that depression back into sadness, back into something manageable.
I hope we all find our reasons to stay (I hope all of us find that switch).
Things will never be the same, I know that much.
But even pain is temporary, even depression can revert into some form of sadness. Until then, hold on, hold tight. Its going to be a hell of a ride, but I am here with you the whole way through, even if you have nobody else, you’ve got me.