Searching For Yourself.

 

Starke realities,

Hidden behind glass,

Searching for yourself.

Why don’t you stay a little longer?

Bigger spaces,

Smaller outlines,

Searching for yourself.

Look deeper,

Depth is key,

Fragile and broken beneath the surface,

Searching for yourself.

Time ticking,

A person slowly fading,

Eyes red,

Emotionless,

Body numb,

Searching for yourself.

Walk away,

This person can’t be you,

Already gone inside,

Barely surviving,

A face so broken,

Searching for yourself.

Moving side to side,

The image moving with you,

Inescapable,

Stop searching,

That person is you.

(It’s a mirror after all).

~MM

Sadness or depression (when mine switched).

It all started with what I could only describe as sadness.

 

I had experienced sadness before in my life, as we all have. I was sad when I got a bad grade, I was sad when someone said something mean to me, I was incredibly sad when one of my pets passed away.

 

Yet, this sadness felt different, it felt almost deeper and much more constant. I went from being sad some days, to feeling sad almost every day, and now not a second goes by where I don’t feel sad.

 

I believe there is a big difference between sadness and depression; I never used to think this. I always thought those that were depressed were just sad; I always second-guessed the whole nature of depression, until now. I finally get it, sadness is temporary, it goes away, depression on the other hand, its permanent, it never really leaves you.

Instead it makes you feel constantly down, constantly interfering with every day life. Depression makes you second guess your existence, is life really worth it after all?

I thought my sadness would pass, just like it always did.

It has been 9 months now, 9 months of constant sadness. To me that is no longer sadness, that is depression, where your mind dives into the deepest most scariest places you didn’t even know existed, till now.

I have come close, many times now, to ending it, to giving in as I struggle to find the purpose in life. I live from one day to the next, that’s about all my body can handle at the moment.

Last night was one of the worst for me, last night I did something I have never done before, I wrote a goodbye note. I cannot bring myself to read it. All I remember is not feeling myself, feeling this overwhelming darkness inside as sadness pulsated in my veins, as my body writhed in pain.

What is the point?

(A question those with depression may be all too familiar with).

For now, I cannot answer that question, as I struggle to come up with answers myself.

All I know is that it’s worth holding on right now, even if it feels as though the whole world is against you; as if you have nobody, just hold on. If I can do it, so can you. Grab onto those last few fibres keeping you here, learn how to survive, and one day I hope all of us can turn that surviving into thriving. I hope all of us can turn that depression back into sadness, back into something manageable.

I hope we all find our reasons to stay (I hope all of us find that switch).

Things will never be the same, I know that much.

But even pain is temporary, even depression can revert into some form of sadness. Until then, hold on, hold tight. Its going to be a hell of a ride, but I am here with you the whole way through, even if you have nobody else, you’ve got me.

~MM

Think positive thoughts (as if its that easy).

I was feeling down today, more so than normal and a friend noticed.

Its hard for people to know what to say, to know how to act, to know how to be around a person like me.

Today when I was upset,

He simply said, “Think positive thoughts.”

So I sat for a minute, trying to think of something, before responding, “I have no positive thoughts.”

That’s when it really hit me.

I have hit a point in my life where there is nothing to look forward to. I live from event to event, and when those events are over I am constantly overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and despair, feelings of emptiness. Struggling to find something else to look forward to. I no longer look forward to holidays, to going home, to seeing family; the only thing I ever truly looked forward to was seeing Mum.

We can try all we want to “think happy thoughts.” But at the end of the day, this is pointless if there are no more positives in your life.

So how about we go about this a bit differently?

Why don’t we take a minute each day and write down one thing we are grateful for.

Even if it the smallest of things.

I will go first, and begin with today.

Today,

I am grateful for my friends,

The ones who make you smile even when you’re dying inside,

I am just grateful to have a reason to smile,

Even if that moment is small,

Even if it means nothing in the big scheme of things.

All that matters is that it meant something today, and for me that is enough for now.

(Your turn).

~MM.

The scariest part of dying. 

Have you ever thought about it?

Second guessed yourself around death.

I want you to think about it for a minute, let’s face it we don’t live forever, we are put on this earth only to eventually die.

So what part of death scares you the most? Why doesn’t society talk about it more, it’s only natural, yet there’s something about it that makes it so taboo.

I’ve thought about this question many times, and each time I believe my answer changes. Although I’ve only ever come close to death once, I don’t really remember it and In fact I wasn’t as scared as I thought I would be.

We can all hypothetically answer this question. However the reality of our answers never show until we are placed in those moments, those moments where we know we are dying, when life is coming to an end, where you really have to sit back and ask yourself –

“What part of dying scares the hell out of me?”

A question I asked my Mum, a couple of years after her diagnosis, it genuinely interested me and I wanted to know how she was feeling. But her answer really surprised me, almost knocked me back and it took me a few moments to readjust and figure out how to reply.

Her answer,

She wasn’t scared of death, she was one of the brave ones. Instead what scared her the most was the people she was leaving behind. This truely shows what kind of person she was. One that was willing to do anything for other people, a person willing to put everyone else before herself.

She continued telling me about how scared she was at the thought of us having to carry on, having to survive and live our own lives without her around. What she needed was some reassurance, reassurance that we would be okay, so that’s what I gave her. I promised her over and over again that we would be okay, it would be hell but we would survive this, we would do it for her.

After that day, I never saw fear in her eyes again, almost as if a weight was lifted off her shoulders. She felt relaxed, she felt almost ready for whatever happens next, that to me is bravery, and she had copious amounts of it.

Thinking back to her last day on this earth, I remember her slowly slipping away, looking at me with this slight fear back in her eyes. Something I didn’t want her to have, I didn’t want her last few moments to feel like that. So I leant in close, grabbed her hand and whispered “all the people you leave behind are going to be okay, I promise.”

The fear instantly leaving her eyes, slowly her breathing relaxed, slipping away…

After all, she wasn’t scared anymore.

~MM

First birthday without you. 

Today I realised my birthday is coming around.

I have tried my hardest to ignore it, suppress it, pretend it’s not there.

The truth- I don’t want to turn another year older without you, that means I will no longer be the same age I was when you passed. I wil no longer be that 21-year-old girl.

I will be a year older, no longer the same girl you last saw. That terrifies me so much. I will never see you age and you will never see me grow.

Together we will remain the same ages we were on the 10th of July 2016. I won’t have that opportunity to watch your hair go grey, to see your body become more fragile, to see those beautiful wrinkles that only come to those who have lived a long precious life.

And for you…

You will never see me grow.

You will never see me graduate, marry, have kids, even grow a year older. You will miss all of that.

I’m not sure who should be more terrified. You are the one that’s missing out, but so am I. I am missing out on creating those precious memories and you are missing being able to create them with me.

Terrifying.

Absolutely heart breaking.

If I could stop the clock I would.

I would stop the entire process.

But I can’t.

None of us can.

So I’ve got 3 weeks to come to terms with this, and to deal with the fact that some of us (the unlucky ones) continue to grow up even when our loved ones have stopped.

~MM

When the meds don’t work anymore.

I am on anti-depressants. Not for their intended purpose, but for another reason.

However, today I finally realized I need the anti-depressants for their intended purpose. I need them in order to survive another month, another week, even another day. Carrying this sadness around on my back has come to a point of exhaustion. I can no longer walk, I feel as though I am crawling, using every fibre of my being to get around.

For the last few months, I have used everything inside of me to get passed even the shittiest of days. I have told myself over and over that today is going to be a good day. Begging with my own self to hang on, to hold on, reassuring myself that it will be okay.

I have tried everything to try and fix this constant ache inside of me, this constant unhappiness, yet nothing has ever worked, I still feel as though the world is crashing down on me, every single night.

So today, I stand in front of you begging for medication. Begging for the doctors to increase my dose. Begging for them to help me, I have realized today that I can no longer save myself. The only option left is medication. In fact it is now my only option. My last option, so I pray that the meds will work, that they will all of a sudden make my days feel that little bit lighter.

And if the meds ever get to a point where they don’t work,

I guess we will deal with that.

But for now I will hold onto this last hope,

Because without it I fear the worst.

At the end of the day as humans, medications have the ability to save us,

They have the ability to prolong life,

To decrease suffering,

They allow us to truly live, even with the most debilitating illnesses,

But all meds have their limits,

At some point the switch flips,

And we all know what happens when the meds don’t work anymore.

~MM

Loneliness.

Do you know what it feels like to be surrounded by people, yet still feel alone?

I constantly experience an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, consuming me, telling me I have nobody.

I find myself constantly craving that warmth only another person could provide.

The funny thing is, I hate being alone. Alone with my own thoughts takes me to dark place. So I began surrounding myself with as many people as I could, and attended party after party in an attempt to fill this void.

But once again, nothing worked.

Nothing ever works.

Continuing to feel alone, day after day.

What a sad reality, never knowing if this feeling will pass. A feeling I would never wish on anyone, almost like emptiness, as if there is always something missing and only a certain person could fill the void.

I have started getting more and more used to this feeling, at first struggling, almost battling with it, now it’s a part of me, and I can’t leave home without it.

The antidote?

Who knows.

I’m guessing there’s a heck of a lot of people out there who feel lonely.

So, my questions to you ~

How long does this last?

Is it temporary or permanent?

Do you ever get used to it?

And….

When does it get to the point where you stop, where you give in, where you’ve had enough, where you finally accept the fact that loneliness is now your new best friend?

~MM