3am. 

Up all night,

Restless, 

My veins pulsating, 

Mind racing,

Body Shaking,

“Do it” – they whisper, 

“I don’t want to” – I yell back, 

My voice shaking, 

Lying doesn’t suit me, 

Time seems to stop, 

Is it really this easy?

Will they still think of me? 

So many questions, 

All left unanswered, 

I pull back, 

Hesitant, 

Even my minds playing tricks on me, 

Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, 

Eyes tired,

Hair messy, 

My face – almost transparent, 

Sickness doesn’t suit me, 

Tears begin streaming down my face, 

Thinking of my sister, 

The only one worth fighting for, 

Stop,

This isn’t you, 

This isn’t you! 

Finally reality hits, 

It all becomes clear, 

I have to stay, 

Closing the pill container, 

I drift back to sleep, 

Promising myself I would never come that close again.

~MM

Dreams.

Have you ever had a dream so vivid, you had to take a minute and second-guess the difference between reality and fantasy?

I’m talking about those dreams that feel so spine-tingling real; you need to catch yourself before you start to believe it.

I find myself having more and more of these dreams, where the lines between what’s real and what isn’t begin to fade more and more. The deeper I dive, the more alive I begin to feel and the happier I become. Almost as if a dream is a way of escaping reality, an ‘out’ you could say, something to make life that little bit more bearable.

The other day, I dreamt of my Mum in the most vivid way. I felt the emotions right down to my bones. Shivering as her hand touched mine, I could feel myself go numb at the thought of her being by my side again.Her smile was contagious, and I found myself grinning beyond belief, only this time it wasn’t fake. Happiness seemed to grow within me and a light I hadn’t seen for a long time started to reignite.

“Alive” – the only way I could describe such a feeling.

Not once did I second guess if it was real or not, every aching part of me felt as though I was home, as if I had lived there my whole life. Reality struck not long after. I could feel my rib cage rise and fall, as my breaths got shallower, my body aching at the thought of waking up.

All of a sudden I was back and with it came this darkness I thought I had left behind. With it came every emotion and more. Tears streaming down my face, I couldn’t begin to describe how heavy I felt in that moment.

All I wanted was to drift back to sleep, to go back into a world where she was still there. Lying in my bed, aching, sobbing, drowning, the light slowly burning away as darkness filled my thoughts.

This is reality, I could tell, because dreams fill me with the brightest of lights, snatched away by realities darkness.

“Take me back,” I screamed.

Silence.

What did I expect?

After all, it was just a dream.

~MM

Unstable – losing all I had left.

I used to feel so secure in my own skin, in my own home, with my own family. Now all I feel is this raging instability, this insecurity trying to consume me. I feel as though at any moment, my entire life could fall from beneath me.

In fact, I think it just did.

Everything is different now that you’re gone, and everyone is trying their dammed hardest, but sometimes even our best just isn’t good enough.

Do you know what it feels like to no longer feel secure? Or safe? Or protected.

I haven’t felt that sense of security in months, in all honesty, I don’t know if I ever felt it.

Dad left home when we were only kids, leaving my Mum to fight her own battle with cancer while dealing with my older sister (whom has severe learning problems) and myself, just some useless 11-year-old girl.

Gone, without a trace, with no explanation, he just up and left, as if we meant nothing to him.

From that day onwards I began being scared of the dark, I started noticing things I had never seen before, I started creating these monsters in my mind. Everyone leaves I thought, don’t get too close because chances are, they wont stay too long.

Then there was Mum, who made my mind grow, who tried to support me and protect me as much as a dying woman could. She tried her best, and that meant the world to me, even if I still felt ripped at the seams.

I started believing people could stay, my trust started to blossom, everything started making sense. Not everyone leaves I thought. Some of us, the lucky ones, get someone in their life who is willing to stay, willing to fight for you, willing to provide you with a sense of security, you never even thought could exist. That person to me was my Mum; I don’t know how she did it. But with time, we both grew together, we both felt safe knowing we had each other, we both finally felt secure.

And then she left,

Taking my security, my sense of belonging, my stability with her,

She left almost like he did,

So rapidly and with no warning,

Once again removing the floor from underneath me,

Falling, deeper and deeper,

Making me feel more insecure and unsafe than before,

Flashbacks of the 11-year-old me ran through my mind,

Only this time I didn’t have a back up,

Both parents now gone,

The only difference,

He had a choice,

(You were never that lucky.)

~MM

10 seconds.

This may sound mundane, trust me, I know it is. It was late at night, flicking through channel after channel, finally something decent appeared. A new show, mindless, just what I needed. Yet as the story continued I found myself more and more drawn in. The theme, strange, the characters, interesting… and yet I took away something special, a new way to cope.

 

10 seconds.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 (and repeat).

That’s all it takes.

 

Whatever you are going through right now, regardless of how big or small it may be, just take it 10 seconds at a time. You can get through this. 10 seconds, that’s all it takes. Count to 10, breathe, and repeat. You just need to get through the next 10 seconds, then another 10 seconds, and another. If you can get through one lot of 10 seconds, you can sure as hell get through another.

 

What a beautiful way to look at life, just 10 seconds at a time.

 

Today, I found myself counting to 10 more times than I can remember. Sometimes life gets too much and we need a little reminder that it will be okay. As human beings we take on a lot, more than we can handle, how we’re expected to deal with this is beyond me.

 

Since my Mother’s death, in all honesty I have tried every method to cope. Yet at the end of the day, nothing ever worked… until now. Today when I got upset thinking about Mum, I paused and said to myself “10 seconds”. Sitting there, I slowly counted to 10, then again and again. It was in that moment I realised I could do this, I could get through this. I just survived 10 seconds without pain, I can do it again and again, until eventually I don’t have to. Until eventually I get to that point where I can deal with life, weeks, even months at a time. But for now, 10 seconds feels like a success.

 

Everyone out there is struggling, exams are stressful, society is stressful, and life in general is stressful. Whatever you have to deal with just take it 10 seconds at a time, trust me.

 

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10”

Breath.

Begin Again.

10 seconds.

It’s as easy as that.

~MM

Different.

Different,

So different,

Dyed hair,

Tattooed body,

New piercings,

Broken,

Who is she?

They all want to know,

So different,

She’s changed,

No longer the girl they once knew,

Coping perhaps,

An outlet, maybe,

Nobody can keep up,

Friend’s leave,

Families being destroyed,

Carefree or careless,

When will she explode?

Ticking away,

Watch this space,

At any point,

She may break,

So broken,

So different,

Self-destructive,

Falling further and further,

No one left to catch her,

They all agree,

Different doesn’t suit her.

~MM

One more.

One more ~

That’s what they all want,

And it breaks my heart to see them suffer.

 

Arms slowly loosening,

Body weakening,

As you begin to give in,

“One more hug,” I whispered.

 

Eyes drifting,

Deeper and deeper into an abyss,

Falling heavy,

“One more look at those kind eyes,” I whispered.

 

Lips as blue as the ocean,

Breathless,

Broken,

“One more smile,” I whispered.

 

Already gone,

I reached out for you,

“One more, I love you,” I cried.

 

One more~

That’s what we all want,

And it breaks my heart to see us suffer.

~MM

Unrecognisable.

Eyes fading,

Voice softening,

A person I could no longer recognise.

 

Exhale. Inhale. Exhale,

“Breathe” I whispered,

An impossible demand.

 

No longer able to separate me from you,

As your body gave up,

So did mine.

 

An empty shell of a person,

No longer the one who raised me,

A shell of a person.

 

Emptiness filled me,

Watching the oxygen escape your body,

Piece by piece you shattered,

I broke with you,

Together we were broken.

 

Struggling to collect the pieces,

I began putting them back together,

An absolute disaster,

Nothing could ever be the same,

Unfixable.

 

Trying to fix myself first,

So wrapped up,

I forgot to fix you,

Lying there, broken,

Broken beyond belief,

Slowly slipping away.

 

I ran to you,

Too late,

We both knew it was inevtiable,

Already gone,

A person I no longer recognised.

~MM