Night Wanderer.

I have discovered that perhaps I take some things for granted.

Lying here for the first time in a while I feel a little lighter,

The edges that were once so harsh have began to soften,

And the place where your hand once lay in mine feels a little less empty.

 

For tonight I have found myself staring at the night sky,

Removing any barrier between me and the fresh air it brings,

Finally feeling as though I belong,

A storm no longer moving so quickly,

Instead slowing down,

Allowing me to reminisce in the beauty.

 

To be one with the night sky is such a small but oh so fulfilling feeling,

Have you ever felt it?

As though the darkness is soothing every part of you that has ever been broken,

Holding my heart so gently,

I feel nothing but peace.

 

Night times were once a place where I lost all control,

Where you are left with nothing but your own thoughts,

And those thoughts were the ones that destroyed you,

At least they would try to.

 

Yet on a night like tonight I want nothing more than to be consumed by the night sky,

To feel peace in knowing our loved ones are never far away,

Wanting to dive right in and explore the beauty,

Swimming in oceans of delicate clouds and picking up shooting stars on my travels,

I have learnt to slowly open my heart to its beauty.

 

I could spend the rest of my live as one of them,

A night wanderer,

Seeking nothing but brightness within the night skies.

 

~MM

Someone on my side.

Standing here wanting something I thought I already had,

Where a room filled with darkness began to light up,

And a day as cold as ice slowly melting away,

On a day like this I believed perhaps the world wasn’t all bad.

 

All I wanted was someone to stay,

A feeling I can only describe as being on a boat alone,

A boat stranded in the middle of the ocean,

Where you have no way to survive but hope someone finds you,

Hope like crazy that someone will come and rescue you.

 

For months now I’ve sat here so close to drowning,

Waiting for my own rescue boat,

Its funny you know,

I thought I found someone to save me,

Not once, not even twice, but three times I fell into that trap.

 

To be able to float for such a time with no safety net is beyond me,

Perhaps I learned to survive for so long by believing there were good people out there,

That there were people willing to save me,

Willing to pull me closer,

Allowing me to breathe again.

 

How naïve of me,

Or perhaps how naïve of us,

To believe someone will come and save us.

 

Now I finally see it,

How stupid I was before in believing someone would come,

For my mind was playing a trick on me,

Now I know.

 

Perhaps they would just let me drown while standing right beside me.

Don’t you understand?

All I wanted was someone on my side,

Someone who thought I was worth fighting for,

Someone to finally rescue me.

(Isn’t that what we all want?)

~MM

Letting People In.

These walls I’ve built surround such a broken body,

One that has taken hit after hit,

While trying to survive,

Don’t you get it?

I had no choice but to lock you out,

I had no choice but to keep me safe.

This body of mine has become a temple,

One scared of human contact,

A temple built so tightly that nobody could crawl inside,

I guess I always was a bit of a loner,

Or perhaps I’ve been hurt too many times to count.

I think I created such a place a long time ago,

And it takes a lot,

Trust me it takes years before you see the slightest crack,

Before I can give something up,

Before one of these walls slips and I can learn to let you in.

This body,

So fragile,

So broken,

Allowed such a kind soul in,

One who I could trust,

Do you know how good it felt to finally have that?

To not be alone and to let a wall down,

To trust someone whole heartedly.

I let her in,

I let a part of me crumble,

Thinking she’d hold me up,

When all she did was break me down.

She came in,

(I let her in),

And she destroyed me,

In the blink of an eye my temple was destroyed,

And my body along with it.

I guess that’s what you get for letting someone in,

Even the ones you trust can ruin you,

I guess next time I’ll be more careful,

I guess next time I’ll build my own God damn temple and not let anyone in ever again.

(Do you even know what you’ve done?)

~MM

Forgotten Memories.

“I’m so cold”,

Words I remember so clearly in those last few moments,

Death moving closer,

Ready to consume that beautiful mind of yours.

 

Nurses rushing in to warm you,

As if it would help,

I guess it’s all they could do at that point,

Covering you with a thick blue blanket,

Something so simple made you feel so content,

Smiling as soon as it hit,

Slowly drifting back to sleep.

 

That damn blue blanket,

I had forgotten you know,

I had forgotten how it kept you warm,

How it made you feel so safe,

Safety none of us could provide.

 

I hate myself for that,

For forgetting.

 

It felt all too real yesterday,

I spent the day with nana,

She was in hospital and it pains me that nobody else came,

It was just me,

Alone again,

Just as it was before.

 

Nana,

You were so cold and how were the nurses to know.

 

“I’m so cold” you shuddered,

As the nurse brought something to warm you up,

Something to keep you safe,

That damn blue blanket,

The exact same one,

The one welcoming death only a year before.

 

As soon as the blanket wrapped around your body it hit me,

Suppressed memories came to life,

Images of you all wrapped up came flooding back,

It was so painful to watch,

I couldn’t bare the pain again so I ran,

I ran and I ran until I couldn’t feel anything anymore.

 

And now,

Now you ask,

I hate myself even more,

Yet this time it’s different,

This time,

I hate myself for remembering.

 

~MM

A Fleeting Moment.

I fell asleep today,

But only for a moment,

As brief as a moment can be,

I guess.

Drifting off I felt your presence so clearly. As if it was you, in my mind it wasn’t a dream, it felt like reality. The most pure thing I had felt in months, something inside me sparked, and for a moment I felt it, I felt something other than nothing. I have been getting used to this feeling of being numb for so long that it shocked me to feel something else, something so real.

Seconds filled with happiness, quickly whisked away with sadness. The moment so real, screaming out for it to stay, but just as light does, it faded away. Left again with an empty chair inside an empty room filled with so much darkness. Looking at a chair that you once lay on, and imagining your hand that once held mine. You would smile and ask if I was okay, ask if I wanted something, and I would return the favour. That’s what I loved about you, you cared so much, and as did I.

Your presence, sitting there, was enough to calm the oceans within me, settling the storm that wanted to break me apart inside. So, for a moment, that’s how I felt, I felt calm and content and almost happy reaching for your hand. Only to find my imagination had run wild, and as I reached for you, my hand hit the table. My hand began to ache as I realised it wasn’t real, as I snapped out of it, as I snapped back into reality, a place I had been trying to avoid.

 

And,

Now,

The storm has risen,

More forceful than before,

Reckoning my mind,

Destroying my body,

Without your presence to calm it,

To prevent it,

To stop it,

Or even to hold me while I go through it.

 

But,

For a moment,

As brief as a moment can be I guess,

I felt something,

And my god,

Something felt like everything.

~MM

Tides. 

When the tides fall,

And the ocean cries,

Nothing but screams remain,

Crying your name,

Mum,

That’s all I here, 

Carried with the wind,

Almost demanding you to come home.
When the tides fall,

The skies become darker,

As the moon shines more bright than ever,

No more light in the darkest of days,

All that remains is this,

This empty feeling of an unknown ocean,

Still yelling your name,

Mum,

That’s what they say,

Screaming for you to come home.
And,

When the tides fall,

The waves crash,

The sky fades,

And your mind,

Your mind darkens,

Places you’ve never been before,

Have you? 

The ocean demanding you to come back.
So…

When the tides fall,

When the oceans rush in,

When the world seems low,

There is nothing but a voice,

Mum,

That’s what they used to say,

And now,

Now all I here is my name. 

Over and over,

They yell and they call and they cry for me,

Tides crashing,

As they demand for me to give in and give up,

Demanding for me to come home. 

~MM