A note to my Dad

The worst part was when you told me it didn’t matter,

That none of it ever mattered,

In those moments it meant nothing to you,

I meant absolutely nothing to you,

(And for a second I thought perhaps I was special).

 

Moments before I felt the world had fallen into place,

I felt as though you cared,

And don’t get me wrong,

I tried, perhaps even harder than anyone,

At least more than you ever did,

I actually gave a damn.

 

Glued together,

Trying to rebuild such broken relationships,

Trying to mend such heartache,

It is almost too much to bear,

Yet I tried,

For you,

For me,

For us.

 

And,

In an instant,

Nothing but a moment,

A string of words pulled together,

Destroying everything I’d ever known,

For tonight,

I saw your true self,

A self I no longer recognised.

 

“Time doesn’t matter” you said,

Referring to the moment you left,

The moment you walked out that door,

The moment you turned your back on all of us.

 

All aspects in time that seemed to mean nothing,

We seemed to mean nothing,

You were always the good guy after all.

 

Stumbling for words,

Shocked at the thought of it,

Barely even a whisper,

Shuddering back.

 

“It mattered to me.”

 

It was in that moment,

Tonight,

I realised for the first time that you had left,

You had walked away,

Leaving us all behind,

And not for a second did you regret it,

Not even for a second was it your fault.

 

Somehow,

You were the one that left that day,

But we were the ones to blame.

(It’s funny, I don’t remember pushing you away).

~MM

Error ~ a bit too broken.

I felt my body cave in on itself last night,

Retracting every movement I had ever made,

In an attempt to create an invisible self,

Perhaps if I removed all traces of myself the pain would vanish with it.

 

Removing every aspect of me,

As if that would make things better,

To feel small again,

To feel as though you were never really here,

Then perhaps nothing can be taken away.

 

You get it,

Don’t you?

That feeling of wanting to hide away,

To become obsolete,

Or maybe even invisible for a while

To bury yourself within your own body.

 

It is on days like this one,

Days filled with too much sadness,

All hope stripped away,

As you begin to fall down,

Eyes transparent at the thought of it.

 

It is in this moment,

In these moments I despise my own self,

Almost to a point of hatred,

It is in these moments of insecurity,

These days filled with such horror,

I feel my body cave in on itself,

And now,

Now I finally know,

I have nothing left to give.

 

~MM

Minefield ~

Tiptoe tiptoe,

Barbed wires at every turn,

Watch out,

Every step counts.

This could end in disaster.

 

Scared to even move,

Afraid of what’s to come,

How did we even get here?

A moment of pure evil,

No longer in control.

This could end in disaster.

 

You thought you were being clever,

A mind map of every move,

Calculating each step,

Afraid of what could come,

Why has it come down to this?

A feeling so heavy,

Even your heart can’t bear the weight.

This could end in disaster.

 

You were so careful, weren’t you?

Mapping it all out,

Thinking you were one step ahead,

Believing you had finally won,

When the battle was already lost,

The minefield had already exploded,

And now,

Now there is nothing but disaster.

(I have never seen such a sight).

~MM

Only Human.

Emotions become all too overwhelming,

It happens all the time,

Where your mind begins to blur,

And your blood,

Your blood pulsates over and over,

Attempting to escape those torturous veins.

 

It’s okay,

We all feel it,

The weight across our chests as we fight for air,

Holding us down,

Filling our lungs with nothing but pain,

As your breathing becomes more shallow,

You realize perhaps it’s all too late,

How can you come back from such heartache?

 

To feel everything and nothing is an unbearable feeling,

Although I’m sure you’ve felt it,

I’m sure you feel the whole earth in the palm of your hand sometimes without even knowing,

Or perhaps you have felt every inch of your skin weighing you down as if it could suffocate you,

The feeling becomes overwhelming until it begins to numb you,

Numb,

There’s that feeling of nothing again,

How can we ever escape it?

 

Perhaps as humans we have no choice,

We are one of the most sensitive species I have ever known,

A race that feels every emotion so intensely,

What a beautiful power we hold,

A power so strong and so defining,

A power so soul-destroying and overwhelming,

Emotion after emotion we let it consume us,

And once again we put our heads down and learn to live with it,

Time and time again as humans we bottle it up,

Letting it consume us.

 

Don’t you get sick of it?

Don’t you want to scream or cry or laugh?

Don’t you want to get up and runaway and never come back?

Don’t you want others to see who you truly are?

 

I guess not.

 

Because to me our interactions are almost robotic,

Emotionless,

And that,

That isn’t even close to being mortal,

That to me is not what living is all about,

Give in and shout out until your lungs burn with pride,

Let those emotions fill the air with admiration,

Let us finally tear off our masks,

Let us finally be who we truly are,

Let us be human.

(Is that too much to ask?)

 

~MM.

Night Wanderer.

I have discovered that perhaps I take some things for granted.

Lying here for the first time in a while I feel a little lighter,

The edges that were once so harsh have began to soften,

And the place where your hand once lay in mine feels a little less empty.

 

For tonight I have found myself staring at the night sky,

Removing any barrier between me and the fresh air it brings,

Finally feeling as though I belong,

A storm no longer moving so quickly,

Instead slowing down,

Allowing me to reminisce in the beauty.

 

To be one with the night sky is such a small but oh so fulfilling feeling,

Have you ever felt it?

As though the darkness is soothing every part of you that has ever been broken,

Holding my heart so gently,

I feel nothing but peace.

 

Night times were once a place where I lost all control,

Where you are left with nothing but your own thoughts,

And those thoughts were the ones that destroyed you,

At least they would try to.

 

Yet on a night like tonight I want nothing more than to be consumed by the night sky,

To feel peace in knowing our loved ones are never far away,

Wanting to dive right in and explore the beauty,

Swimming in oceans of delicate clouds and picking up shooting stars on my travels,

I have learnt to slowly open my heart to its beauty.

 

I could spend the rest of my live as one of them,

A night wanderer,

Seeking nothing but brightness within the night skies.

 

~MM