A note to my Dad

The worst part was when you told me it didn’t matter,

That none of it ever mattered,

In those moments it meant nothing to you,

I meant absolutely nothing to you,

(And for a second I thought perhaps I was special).

 

Moments before I felt the world had fallen into place,

I felt as though you cared,

And don’t get me wrong,

I tried, perhaps even harder than anyone,

At least more than you ever did,

I actually gave a damn.

 

Glued together,

Trying to rebuild such broken relationships,

Trying to mend such heartache,

It is almost too much to bear,

Yet I tried,

For you,

For me,

For us.

 

And,

In an instant,

Nothing but a moment,

A string of words pulled together,

Destroying everything I’d ever known,

For tonight,

I saw your true self,

A self I no longer recognised.

 

“Time doesn’t matter” you said,

Referring to the moment you left,

The moment you walked out that door,

The moment you turned your back on all of us.

 

All aspects in time that seemed to mean nothing,

We seemed to mean nothing,

You were always the good guy after all.

 

Stumbling for words,

Shocked at the thought of it,

Barely even a whisper,

Shuddering back.

 

“It mattered to me.”

 

It was in that moment,

Tonight,

I realised for the first time that you had left,

You had walked away,

Leaving us all behind,

And not for a second did you regret it,

Not even for a second was it your fault.

 

Somehow,

You were the one that left that day,

But we were the ones to blame.

(It’s funny, I don’t remember pushing you away).

~MM

Error ~ a bit too broken.

I felt my body cave in on itself last night,

Retracting every movement I had ever made,

In an attempt to create an invisible self,

Perhaps if I removed all traces of myself the pain would vanish with it.

 

Removing every aspect of me,

As if that would make things better,

To feel small again,

To feel as though you were never really here,

Then perhaps nothing can be taken away.

 

You get it,

Don’t you?

That feeling of wanting to hide away,

To become obsolete,

Or maybe even invisible for a while

To bury yourself within your own body.

 

It is on days like this one,

Days filled with too much sadness,

All hope stripped away,

As you begin to fall down,

Eyes transparent at the thought of it.

 

It is in this moment,

In these moments I despise my own self,

Almost to a point of hatred,

It is in these moments of insecurity,

These days filled with such horror,

I feel my body cave in on itself,

And now,

Now I finally know,

I have nothing left to give.

 

~MM

Minefield ~

Tiptoe tiptoe,

Barbed wires at every turn,

Watch out,

Every step counts.

This could end in disaster.

 

Scared to even move,

Afraid of what’s to come,

How did we even get here?

A moment of pure evil,

No longer in control.

This could end in disaster.

 

You thought you were being clever,

A mind map of every move,

Calculating each step,

Afraid of what could come,

Why has it come down to this?

A feeling so heavy,

Even your heart can’t bear the weight.

This could end in disaster.

 

You were so careful, weren’t you?

Mapping it all out,

Thinking you were one step ahead,

Believing you had finally won,

When the battle was already lost,

The minefield had already exploded,

And now,

Now there is nothing but disaster.

(I have never seen such a sight).

~MM

Only Human.

Emotions become all too overwhelming,

It happens all the time,

Where your mind begins to blur,

And your blood,

Your blood pulsates over and over,

Attempting to escape those torturous veins.

 

It’s okay,

We all feel it,

The weight across our chests as we fight for air,

Holding us down,

Filling our lungs with nothing but pain,

As your breathing becomes more shallow,

You realize perhaps it’s all too late,

How can you come back from such heartache?

 

To feel everything and nothing is an unbearable feeling,

Although I’m sure you’ve felt it,

I’m sure you feel the whole earth in the palm of your hand sometimes without even knowing,

Or perhaps you have felt every inch of your skin weighing you down as if it could suffocate you,

The feeling becomes overwhelming until it begins to numb you,

Numb,

There’s that feeling of nothing again,

How can we ever escape it?

 

Perhaps as humans we have no choice,

We are one of the most sensitive species I have ever known,

A race that feels every emotion so intensely,

What a beautiful power we hold,

A power so strong and so defining,

A power so soul-destroying and overwhelming,

Emotion after emotion we let it consume us,

And once again we put our heads down and learn to live with it,

Time and time again as humans we bottle it up,

Letting it consume us.

 

Don’t you get sick of it?

Don’t you want to scream or cry or laugh?

Don’t you want to get up and runaway and never come back?

Don’t you want others to see who you truly are?

 

I guess not.

 

Because to me our interactions are almost robotic,

Emotionless,

And that,

That isn’t even close to being mortal,

That to me is not what living is all about,

Give in and shout out until your lungs burn with pride,

Let those emotions fill the air with admiration,

Let us finally tear off our masks,

Let us finally be who we truly are,

Let us be human.

(Is that too much to ask?)

 

~MM.

Someone on my side.

Standing here wanting something I thought I already had,

Where a room filled with darkness began to light up,

And a day as cold as ice slowly melting away,

On a day like this I believed perhaps the world wasn’t all bad.

 

All I wanted was someone to stay,

A feeling I can only describe as being on a boat alone,

A boat stranded in the middle of the ocean,

Where you have no way to survive but hope someone finds you,

Hope like crazy that someone will come and rescue you.

 

For months now I’ve sat here so close to drowning,

Waiting for my own rescue boat,

Its funny you know,

I thought I found someone to save me,

Not once, not even twice, but three times I fell into that trap.

 

To be able to float for such a time with no safety net is beyond me,

Perhaps I learned to survive for so long by believing there were good people out there,

That there were people willing to save me,

Willing to pull me closer,

Allowing me to breathe again.

 

How naïve of me,

Or perhaps how naïve of us,

To believe someone will come and save us.

 

Now I finally see it,

How stupid I was before in believing someone would come,

For my mind was playing a trick on me,

Now I know.

 

Perhaps they would just let me drown while standing right beside me.

Don’t you understand?

All I wanted was someone on my side,

Someone who thought I was worth fighting for,

Someone to finally rescue me.

(Isn’t that what we all want?)

~MM

Letting People In.

These walls I’ve built surround such a broken body,

One that has taken hit after hit,

While trying to survive,

Don’t you get it?

I had no choice but to lock you out,

I had no choice but to keep me safe.

This body of mine has become a temple,

One scared of human contact,

A temple built so tightly that nobody could crawl inside,

I guess I always was a bit of a loner,

Or perhaps I’ve been hurt too many times to count.

I think I created such a place a long time ago,

And it takes a lot,

Trust me it takes years before you see the slightest crack,

Before I can give something up,

Before one of these walls slips and I can learn to let you in.

This body,

So fragile,

So broken,

Allowed such a kind soul in,

One who I could trust,

Do you know how good it felt to finally have that?

To not be alone and to let a wall down,

To trust someone whole heartedly.

I let her in,

I let a part of me crumble,

Thinking she’d hold me up,

When all she did was break me down.

She came in,

(I let her in),

And she destroyed me,

In the blink of an eye my temple was destroyed,

And my body along with it.

I guess that’s what you get for letting someone in,

Even the ones you trust can ruin you,

I guess next time I’ll be more careful,

I guess next time I’ll build my own God damn temple and not let anyone in ever again.

(Do you even know what you’ve done?)

~MM

Forgotten Memories.

“I’m so cold”,

Words I remember so clearly in those last few moments,

Death moving closer,

Ready to consume that beautiful mind of yours.

 

Nurses rushing in to warm you,

As if it would help,

I guess it’s all they could do at that point,

Covering you with a thick blue blanket,

Something so simple made you feel so content,

Smiling as soon as it hit,

Slowly drifting back to sleep.

 

That damn blue blanket,

I had forgotten you know,

I had forgotten how it kept you warm,

How it made you feel so safe,

Safety none of us could provide.

 

I hate myself for that,

For forgetting.

 

It felt all too real yesterday,

I spent the day with nana,

She was in hospital and it pains me that nobody else came,

It was just me,

Alone again,

Just as it was before.

 

Nana,

You were so cold and how were the nurses to know.

 

“I’m so cold” you shuddered,

As the nurse brought something to warm you up,

Something to keep you safe,

That damn blue blanket,

The exact same one,

The one welcoming death only a year before.

 

As soon as the blanket wrapped around your body it hit me,

Suppressed memories came to life,

Images of you all wrapped up came flooding back,

It was so painful to watch,

I couldn’t bare the pain again so I ran,

I ran and I ran until I couldn’t feel anything anymore.

 

And now,

Now you ask,

I hate myself even more,

Yet this time it’s different,

This time,

I hate myself for remembering.

 

~MM