A note to my Dad

The worst part was when you told me it didn’t matter,

That none of it ever mattered,

In those moments it meant nothing to you,

I meant absolutely nothing to you,

(And for a second I thought perhaps I was special).

 

Moments before I felt the world had fallen into place,

I felt as though you cared,

And don’t get me wrong,

I tried, perhaps even harder than anyone,

At least more than you ever did,

I actually gave a damn.

 

Glued together,

Trying to rebuild such broken relationships,

Trying to mend such heartache,

It is almost too much to bear,

Yet I tried,

For you,

For me,

For us.

 

And,

In an instant,

Nothing but a moment,

A string of words pulled together,

Destroying everything I’d ever known,

For tonight,

I saw your true self,

A self I no longer recognised.

 

“Time doesn’t matter” you said,

Referring to the moment you left,

The moment you walked out that door,

The moment you turned your back on all of us.

 

All aspects in time that seemed to mean nothing,

We seemed to mean nothing,

You were always the good guy after all.

 

Stumbling for words,

Shocked at the thought of it,

Barely even a whisper,

Shuddering back.

 

“It mattered to me.”

 

It was in that moment,

Tonight,

I realised for the first time that you had left,

You had walked away,

Leaving us all behind,

And not for a second did you regret it,

Not even for a second was it your fault.

 

Somehow,

You were the one that left that day,

But we were the ones to blame.

(It’s funny, I don’t remember pushing you away).

~MM

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