Today I realised my birthday is coming around.
I have tried my hardest to ignore it, suppress it, pretend it’s not there.
The truth- I don’t want to turn another year older without you, that means I will no longer be the same age I was when you passed. I wil no longer be that 21-year-old girl.
I will be a year older, no longer the same girl you last saw. That terrifies me so much. I will never see you age and you will never see me grow.
Together we will remain the same ages we were on the 10th of July 2016. I won’t have that opportunity to watch your hair go grey, to see your body become more fragile, to see those beautiful wrinkles that only come to those who have lived a long precious life.
And for you…
You will never see me grow.
You will never see me graduate, marry, have kids, even grow a year older. You will miss all of that.
I’m not sure who should be more terrified. You are the one that’s missing out, but so am I. I am missing out on creating those precious memories and you are missing being able to create them with me.
Absolutely heart breaking.
If I could stop the clock I would.
I would stop the entire process.
But I can’t.
None of us can.
So I’ve got 3 weeks to come to terms with this, and to deal with the fact that some of us (the unlucky ones) continue to grow up even when our loved ones have stopped.