When the meds don’t work anymore.

I am on anti-depressants. Not for their intended purpose, but for another reason.

However, today I finally realized I need the anti-depressants for their intended purpose. I need them in order to survive another month, another week, even another day. Carrying this sadness around on my back has come to a point of exhaustion. I can no longer walk, I feel as though I am crawling, using every fibre of my being to get around.

For the last few months, I have used everything inside of me to get passed even the shittiest of days. I have told myself over and over that today is going to be a good day. Begging with my own self to hang on, to hold on, reassuring myself that it will be okay.

I have tried everything to try and fix this constant ache inside of me, this constant unhappiness, yet nothing has ever worked, I still feel as though the world is crashing down on me, every single night.

So today, I stand in front of you begging for medication. Begging for the doctors to increase my dose. Begging for them to help me, I have realized today that I can no longer save myself. The only option left is medication. In fact it is now my only option. My last option, so I pray that the meds will work, that they will all of a sudden make my days feel that little bit lighter.

And if the meds ever get to a point where they don’t work,

I guess we will deal with that.

But for now I will hold onto this last hope,

Because without it I fear the worst.

At the end of the day as humans, medications have the ability to save us,

They have the ability to prolong life,

To decrease suffering,

They allow us to truly live, even with the most debilitating illnesses,

But all meds have their limits,

At some point the switch flips,

And we all know what happens when the meds don’t work anymore.

~MM

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