Unstable – losing all I had left.

I used to feel so secure in my own skin, in my own home, with my own family. Now all I feel is this raging instability, this insecurity trying to consume me. I feel as though at any moment, my entire life could fall from beneath me.

In fact, I think it just did.

Everything is different now that you’re gone, and everyone is trying their dammed hardest, but sometimes even our best just isn’t good enough.

Do you know what it feels like to no longer feel secure? Or safe? Or protected.

I haven’t felt that sense of security in months, in all honesty, I don’t know if I ever felt it.

Dad left home when we were only kids, leaving my Mum to fight her own battle with cancer while dealing with my older sister (whom has severe learning problems) and myself, just some useless 11-year-old girl.

Gone, without a trace, with no explanation, he just up and left, as if we meant nothing to him.

From that day onwards I began being scared of the dark, I started noticing things I had never seen before, I started creating these monsters in my mind. Everyone leaves I thought, don’t get too close because chances are, they wont stay too long.

Then there was Mum, who made my mind grow, who tried to support me and protect me as much as a dying woman could. She tried her best, and that meant the world to me, even if I still felt ripped at the seams.

I started believing people could stay, my trust started to blossom, everything started making sense. Not everyone leaves I thought. Some of us, the lucky ones, get someone in their life who is willing to stay, willing to fight for you, willing to provide you with a sense of security, you never even thought could exist. That person to me was my Mum; I don’t know how she did it. But with time, we both grew together, we both felt safe knowing we had each other, we both finally felt secure.

And then she left,

Taking my security, my sense of belonging, my stability with her,

She left almost like he did,

So rapidly and with no warning,

Once again removing the floor from underneath me,

Falling, deeper and deeper,

Making me feel more insecure and unsafe than before,

Flashbacks of the 11-year-old me ran through my mind,

Only this time I didn’t have a back up,

Both parents now gone,

The only difference,

He had a choice,

(You were never that lucky.)


2 thoughts on “Unstable – losing all I had left.”

  1. You were not a useless 11 year old girl. You were an 11 year old girl who was put under immense emotional and psychological pressure through no fault of your own. You supported your mum through her battle with cancer and that is no easy thing to do. I am sure that you supported your sister – it might not have felt like it when you were younger but I bet both your sister and your mum were glad to have you around. You have been through so much from a young age but, and here’s the really important thing, you have survived and you are now strong enough to share your thoughts and feelings with the world – that takes true courage and dedication. Have faith in yourself; you are far stronger than you think.

    Liked by 3 people

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