“Sometimes home isn’t 4 walls, it’s 2 eyes and a heartbeat.”
I have found myself missing home more and more these days. Craving that sense of belonging.
Today as I stared blankly into the sky I wished I could go home, I wished more than anything to feel that warmth home brings. Home is meant to be a place where you can set your boots down and finally breath, feel your rib cage rattle as you finally feel that sense of home in your lungs.
I find my heart beating faster and faster as I dream of going home, walking through those welcoming doors into a place my mind can finally be free, where I can be whoever I truly want to be without the eyes of strangers judging me.
The only problem… I no longer have a place like that, a place many refer to as “home”. I realised recently that home to me was never a materialistic thing, it was never 4 walls and a roof, it was you. You were the one person that felt like home to me. What I was craving wasn’t home after all… that overwhelming want… overwhelming need to rush back home, to run through those doors slowly disappeared as I noticed your absence.
Never again will you be waiting there for me to return. Never again will I have someone to call my “home”. Never again will I feel that sense of joy, relief, happiness that you provided me with.
I still go home… back to the same place, where I enter through those same doors, but lying on the other side is nothing but emptiness. Almost an overwhelming darkness, welcoming me back, introducing me to this new space, filled with nothing but an overwhelming grief, almost as if I could fall into this darkness any moment and never come back. This home is anything but a home, because without you there its nothing more than a house. A house I no longer recognise.
So here I stand, once again, craving home. At this moment I feel myself wanting to book a flight home, then I stop and catch my breath, so conflicted and confused. Now I walk around with this pain in my chest, this want to go home more than anything else in this world. Yet with the knowledge of knowing I no longer have a home. None of it makes any sense to me. For what I want is you, the only thing I will never have.
Mum, I miss you. I miss every little aspect of you. You were my home. You were absolutely everything to me. I will never stop missing you, I will never stop loving you and I will never forget that feeling of being “home”.