“Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.”
An emotion I never experienced much of. Yet, over the last 8 months, it has been one of the strongest emotions I have ever felt.
This overwhelming feeling of jealousy, they have something you don’t, they have something you would kill to have, they have their Mother.
I found myself sitting with a group of people I barely knew last night. Chatting, laughing, smiling… I was enjoying the company. One girl sat up and began chatting about her Mum. How she never listened to her advice…
“Ohhh my Mum always tells me to do that too” – another girl chirps up. I sit there absorbing their comments. It’s my turn I decide, as I am overwhelmed with jealousy, I open my mouth… “I don’t have anyone to tell me that.”
Everyone froze, looked at me, and simply unaware asked “why not?”.
“She’s dead” I replied.
The words taste bitter even as I say them, and I resent them almost immediately. But the damage is done, the overwhelming “I am so sorry” begin to come in. I’ve had enough, I want to explode, I am sick of hearing these people complain. I want to shout. I want to cry. I am so angry, so I sit there and take a breath.
“Don’t worry about it.. its okay.” These words don’t even feel like my own, I am so disassociated from my innermost thoughts that I shutdown and say something generic, I say something that will allow everyone else to feel better. That’s what I do, immediately guilt takes over and I find myself apologising for things I should never be sorry for.
Over the last 8 months I’ve listened to my friends laugh and smile along with their Mothers… the endless phone calls and texts to make sure they’re safe. Phones always lighting up… just as mine used to. But now I am stuck… all alone, complete darkness all around with not even the light of my phone to save me… because the light only goes off for those that are cared for. For me that light stopped going off the day she passed, and now I sit here surrounded by this awful feeling of jealousy, one I cannot shake… I may not ever be able to get through this feeling. I may never stop looking at those smiles, those laughs, those lights on their phones and feel endless amounts of jealousy.
The only choice left is to shut down… numb my emotions… turn off that bright light inside… turn my mind to darkness.
And now I see… not only is my room always dark but so is my mind. Trust me, I tried to keep it going… I gave it everything I had… yet at the end of the day all our phones die just as our minds do.
Now, I will numb myself to this feeling of jealousy, numb myself to the outside world… numb myself from ever feeling again.
Tonight… I will receive no “I love you”, “be safe”, “I miss you” texts. Tonight my phone will be filled with darkness. Tonight I will watch my whole body shut down, bit by bit as those lights turn off, as those emotions fade, as the light turns off… until we are left with nothing but darkness.